Haunting Memory
by Muse-san
Summary: KenPOV--REPOST--BarbaraSheridan has done a companion piece--"A hitokiri is a hitokiri until the day he dies, and so shall I ever be"


**A/N: **

**This is just something that popped into my head, spur of the moment. I haven't really had it beta read, or reread it. I find when something like this comes into my mind, or the mind of any author, it is best to just write it and post it. Revising something such as this could take away the spirit of the writing. I'm not quite sure if it's any good, so I guess I'll have to wait for your responses. I'm open to any comments/suggestions/constructive criticism. Please, however, be kind and do not flame. This particular genre of writing on this particular character is not exactly my cup of tea. I work better with psychological, introspective essays on man in general, but I am always trying something new. I hope you enjoy it. **

**Oh yeah, and if any of you *might* think that this is somewhat offending to the character of Tomoe, keep in mind that I LOVE Tomoe. I think that she is an extremely intriguing character, and I don't think I really insulted her in any way. But just in case someone thinks I did. **

**Disclaimer: **

**This is actually quite insulting to me.  Why do we have to say we don't own RuroKen? Do people think we're actually that stupid as to truly believe we own it?**

**Oh yes, and this song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence.  **

~*~*~*~*~

They're laughing.  They always do.  It seems quite enjoyable, being able to live life without an ever present heartache, without a constant guilt nagging in the back of your mind. 

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears_

It's been ten years since the Bakumatsu, since my parade of sins made its rounds regularly, grasping and tearing the souls from men.  You make sure that I remember this every day, do you not? Every time I look into their trusting eyes…her trusting eyes…your steady gaze appears, climbing from my chest of memories which I have so long tried to hide.  That gaze I have tried to forget, it pierces my soul still today, reminding me that the trust of my friends has been misplaced.  This fragile trust, gradually gaining strength, could be broken in a single moment…any single moment in which I could lose control, like I did that moment. 

_  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone  
  
_

As I looked into your eyes, felt the warm blood through your kimono and the slight sting of cold steel marring my cheek, I thought you had left me. I was wrong.  You didn't leave; you never left.  Your spirit remained, shining through the faces of those whom I have grown to love now, as if to always keep me within a set of boundaries, always reminding me of my need to atone for those lost souls. But these atonements, crucial in keeping enough sanity to override my horrible guilt, are still as salt being rubbed into an open wound. The atonements keep the memories of my sins close to the surface of my thoughts, and these memories are always accompanied by pain. __

_  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
_

A pain that will remain with me until the day I die. 

A hitokiri is a hitokiri until the day he dies, and so shall I ever be. Perhaps it will follow me even on my journey to the afterlife. No length of time—minutes, years, centuries—could ever white out my past. No length of time, no valiant effort of atonement, no everlasting love. As my past follows me, so will you. Your presence, once a comfort to a wandering rurouni but now a hindrance to a man wishing for a peaceful life with his wife and family, stays engrained in my mind, in my waking moments as well as my dreams.  I have done a horrible wrong against you, but there is not a day that passes when I do not wonder why the efforts I made to make you comfortable were not enough.

_  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

You think I've forgotten? I haven't. I remember you finding comfort in my arms, seeking shelter and protection behind me, as well as the memory of spilling your blood onto the white snow.  

_I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have_

_All of me_

I loved you, and held on to your spirit, your soul after your mortal body was deceased. Willingly you stayed, that gaze of yours always piercing. Now, when I desire to let you free, your hold on me is strong, as if you can't bear to leave me to my own resources, my own newfound springs of love. You want to be the one to be my sheath, and you refuse to be replaced by them. By her.  _  
  
You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

Your ivory skin, dark eyes, enigmatic ki…all of it gave off a beauty that drew me in. You drew me into your tangled web of love, into an impenetrable web created from unbreakable strands of restraining silk.  

_  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
_

It worries her. During the nights, especially when the weather is cold, I cry out. I cry out your name and relive that day in my dreams. I relive that day I lost control. Hearing your voice in my dreams chips away at my sanity. The old slashes and cuts in my soul are ripped open and continually leak blood.  

_  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

I want you to be gone. I loved you, and I still do. But now I also have grown to love others, who need my love as I need theirs to go on. I want to give to them without restraint, without holding back, but I can't because of your grasp. That grasp of your spirit, which has woven its way around my heart, soul, and mind. But the most I can do is try to fool myself into thinking you're not there. I can experience peace in these brief moments, before you show yourself once again and I am thrown back into the cold shock of reality. 

_  
And though you're still with me_

You love me and hold me, but I am not yours, because your whole heart has belonged to someone else far longer than I ever possessed a piece of it.  Even though I can feel your spirit, ever piercing and ever holding, you yourself, as a whole, have not been with me. __

_  
 _You have never truly been with me, Yukishiro Tomoe, and have never given your whole being to me. Yet the clasp of your spirit has kept me from giving my whole self to my friends, my wife, my child.  So I have been alone.  

_I've been alone all along_

~*~*~*~

**Oooh****.** Looky down here! A little button…what does it say? Oh, review? Really? Interesting. How about you click it and try it out? It'll make my day!****


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